Monday, September 23, 2013

Free Write #1 September Full Moon/Equinox Ends=Beginnings

I wanted to sort of just do a free write. A lot of change has been happening as in the greater community sense but also with me individually. This past week we experienced a Full Moon and Equinox opening a greater energy portal. A time encompassing change and letting go of things that were of the old ways (of our thinking) and preparing to embrace new ways of thinking, new beginnings. Many readings I've had and even just feelings I sense this now.

I've stopped wearing my crystals for some reason after the Full Moon I just didn't feel them resonate with me, I didn't need to wear them. They are charged and I regained their energies but I feel them with me (even when I'm not in their presence.) Which might be more of my awareness too. Leading up to the Full Moon I was getting many signs, and some I was aware of them coming to me, but I didn't know how to read them yet. I got many different ailments which weren't mine. I didn't ask for them, but for some reason they came to me. Which I see my purpose was to help others who didn't have a voice or means of an outlet to release this blocked energy. Their connection to me, somehow in subconscious called to my subconscious and, well what happened happened. It was an unusual time for me, because I got signs that this was coming. I just didn't know the exact meaning of it, until after the fact. I took about a week prior to the Full Moon extremely sick (of different ailments) and just searching a lot of searching in terms of what this meant for me in my life.

It sort of just kept unraveling different layers within myself. That I truly hope was also received by those other persons, because with any healing of symptoms which are just of the mind ... the true learning comes from what they symbolize of what the higher self is trying to tell you, you need to work on what is off balance. So right away, when I really thought what do these mean in the greater sense, I immediately began to understand the bigger picture. Bigger than me and these other people. And it brought me back to my purpose. I've always helped others find their voice, through my own courage and willingness to openly just share my story. Growing up I had an active imagination which I feel a pull back to that creative Divine self. To have no boundaries, I never liked the word "no" because it was so final and there is never anything final, just change shift your view to find a new way around the "no" to get a better way.

So it came to my previous passion which has always been writing and stories. I was always able to write and share my stories and that in turn my sharing of myself would make others (often confused, shy, intimidated or just lost) to feel comfort and an inner knowing of "oh you are so brave to just share, and my situation might be similar or different, but I feel non-threatened to open up and share my story too). It has taken me a while to understand this. To me it just seems natural that everyone is open and honest- but really its this sense of security and balance and ease I bring to people. I don't ever really see any "shy" or "introverted" people but just creative souls who have a different language of communication than the vast majority. I can read their language. It's always been interesting the people who have crossed my journey some have been extremely shy or closed off not having their voice- I'm still searching for all of my purpose. But to write from the heart is all I have really ever done.

This bringing back to what really led me on this journey was returning to a sense of familiar to me. I always was called to a service of helping others from an early age I had elderly drawn to me, where I understood their language towards the end of their lives. Two great teachers of mine, I sensed when it was the very last time I would see them. Both knew I could sense it around them and I looked unafraid into their eyes and I remember to this day that look. To really see into someone's soul at the end of their journey when they have mastered and learned all that there is for them to learn. And seeing how no one else could see it, but they were so craving for anyone to see it, for this knowledge to not be lost. Most people get sad or can't deal with a sick person stuck in a bed. But as a young child I didn't like hospitals but when I had a higher knowing that they needed me to be there, I just was. This distinct thing happens they all have taken my hand. Looked into my eyes and either expressed their wisdom to me in words or just in feelings. I won't go into specifics of what they told me as this is between our souls, I wish to keep this. Nor is it important to share to everyone what I learned.

However, to see the beauty- I just remembered I was at one funeral last year and someone from my family I hadn't seen since I was much younger. She had lost much of her eye sight but she knew by touch and my voice who I was, and she took my hand and we had an exchange right then, and even she knew that this was the last time she was going to see me. Her daughter sitting next to her just dismissed it like oh my mom is just being sentimental. But I was the only one who felt and knew this truth. It was a beautiful exchange, and of course it wasn't a big surprise when a few months later I got the call that she had passed away, very peaceful death. Because she had like the others spoken her truth, to those who would listen.

Yet I was always guided on who I should see. Some people I didn't get to see or speak with them before their passing, my guidance wouldn't allow me. I see that it wasn't my place or purpose to see them, the reason isn't for me to know. But looking at the bigger picture its an interesting view.

So much of last year was all about endings for me. I in a sense became desensitized to it because I had to survive. The most beautiful death I've ever experienced was like a fairy tale really. We knew she was going to die (me and her) but for the sake of the story and everyone else who was in denial, we pretended like she was going to get better enough to get out of the hospital. But looking back we both had a knowing- her being my best friend in the whole world. It was in our eyes, every night we'd say good night like we had for so many years before, but each time it was each of us letting go of the other just a little more. At first I resisted obviously as its only natural. When I finally realized it that it didn't matter what I wanted, this was going to happen. I was being given the greatest gift of all. The ability to let her go each night. And each day was a blessing that I was able to go back and spend another day with her. Until finally when no one else was around we began to have a conversation unspoken that to this day and forever I will treasure. The unspoken words, the things that have no words really.

Her death was the most beautiful. The first death I saw in person. It was truly magical and her last words to me was nothing spoken. Yet she's the one who truly awoken me to my true gifts and for that I'm forever grateful that for her she created who I am. So even after that loss, I was able to comfort others much older than me deal with loss. I could articulate feelings and just had a sense of knowing what was needed.

Even now, with this Equinox all this old is transforming me into something beyond. Where I've been getting pains here and there that come but then quickly fade away which I know are not mine. I feel thankful that I am being sought for assistance. Perhaps these only know how to reach me on this level, they can't yet express in words. Often there are things that I just know, and I don't feel its always my place to just tell someone because where would the lesson be? Like the sore throat I got, I knew the reason as soon as I learned the root of where it came from. Had I explained the reasons right up front there would be no lessons to learn. So for me its truly this sense of learning where the balance is. Which the theme of balance has been spoken to me on many levels that my quest is in this on many aspects. I continue to see where I can embrace this and where I need more work in. As to not give away too much of myself, but then where can I give and not feel a sense of loosing me.

Thinking about it, its hard for me to relate to someone who's never experienced a death, or even a significant death doesn't really matter but just loosing someone you were close to. Mainly I wish no one ever experiences this, but reality is it happens. It's just fascinating that someone can go most of their life without any death. Lucky I would say. Me I experienced my first close death at the age of 7. It's been around ever since. For me to articulate loss, and its different for everyone but I've seen and observed how various people go through it. How I act here or there with any other kind of loss that isn't a death, sort of is tied in. Obviously I take loss a lot better now as seeing if I love unconditionally as I always should I should be happy that this person is just moving on with life, and not in fact (dead) and it took a while for me to really get that. For me its needing to speak truth about it because its the ending of something and even the true end of life, deaths, they speak their truth to me. I speak my truth to endings. Again coming back to finding your voice, your truth. It's the end, what does it matter about anything other than just speaking your genuine self and speaking your truth? If you do see this person again because your journey and quest together isn't truly done then why not still speak the truth? In my case I always know a lie, I would rather be told truth, but I understand that sometimes doesn't always make sense to a person because their truth isn't yet known to them they are just acting out of something else that isn't their truth, and then they can't speak because they are acting on something not of truth but of confusion or the bright and new and shinny syndrome. In which case, that makes sense of the energy block, because they cannot express words because it would be a lie but yet how can you speak the truth if its not yet know or they do not yet understand and it creates this block of energy that cannot flow. Afraid that figuring out why those feelings are there, means reaching a truth higher than anyone. That transcends the ego. Which is the ego is still driving. Once the time is right to let go of the ego the truth appears and then the voice comes out and radiates. Which to me I feel and it resonates with me.